Relationships & money: how to start the conversation
Considering that money is in the top five reasons couples fight (alongside sex, in-laws, alcohol or drug use and parenting), it’s worth being proactive by thinking – and talking – about it.
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Dear How To Money Reader,
Many listeners of The Australian Finance Podcast ask my co-host Owen and me for tips on talking about money with their significant other. Their questions are big.
How should we split expenses?
Should we combine finances?
What’s the fairest way to approach our finances if we take off work to look after a child?
How do I get my partner on board with our financial goals?
Unfortunately, these questions don’t have clear-cut answers because every individual has a unique perspective on and relationship with money. And when you bring two people together, things get even more challenging…
Getting on the same page
Considering that money is in the top five reasons couples fight (alongside sex, in-laws, alcohol or drug use and parenting), it’s worth being proactive by thinking – and talking – about it.
One study suggests that financial disagreements between couples are the strongest predictor of divorce, and it highlights that they can be challenging to resolve because our views on money are so bound up in our history, values and goals.
So, how can couples approach this tricky topic as a team?
When we really understand where another person is coming from in money discussions and what their priorities are, we start talking about money in the same language. This will seem like the most obvious advice, but communication and compromise are essential.
A shared goal, such as buying a property together, going on an overseas trip or starting a family, can provide the impetus to create a budget and work towards that goal in ways that suit both people.
Here are some pointers to support these conversations, keeping in mind that you should approach this in a way that works for your relationship, and there might need to be a bit of trial and error:
1. Set aside time.
In The Barefoot Investor, well-known Australian finance expert Scott Pape popularised having a money date night where you focus on each other and your shared financial future.
Find a time when you’re both in a space to have an honest and open-minded discussion about your finances together. This gives you time to prepare and think about anything you want to share.
2. Start with the big picture.
Rather than jumping straight into the numbers, spend time envisioning what you want your shared future to look like.
Talking about your priorities in life and how you both want to use your money will help you to align how you spend your money and time together. This is where you start to get on the same page, identify if you have conflicting goals and help your partner understand what’s important to you (and vice versa).
Remember: this part should be fun and exciting!
3. Create a shared plan.
Now is the time to take all your dreams together and start turning them into reality. This includes prioritising your short, medium and long-term goals by working out what’s most important to both of you.
You might realise at this point that you can’t realistically achieve all your goals, so some might need to be modified or pushed back until later. This is also when you may need to start compromising, especially if you have conflicting goals, to find a shared path forward.
Remember what they told you in school: keep your goals specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound.
4. Start taking action.
Next, work together to break down your goals into actionable steps to turn your dreams into reality.
Get very clear on what actions you’re each taking and when.
While approaching these goals as a team, you don’t need to have the same roles. One person could focus more on financial inputs, while the other spends more time researching and planning.
5. Keep the conversation going.
Don’t let your money talk dry up once you set your goals. Keeping the conversation going and supporting each other on your shared journey is essential.
Consider setting aside time every month to have a coffee and check in on your goals.
This could expand to a broader financial conversation where you check in on your budget and spending, discuss your financial priorities for the month and keep each other accountable.
It might feel challenging to talk about money initially, but the more often you have these conversations, the easier it’ll get.
✅ Your next steps
Spend some time (perhaps over a weekend) working out what you value individually, what you value as a couple and how you can build your financial goals together.
Where do you want similar things?
Where do your goals differ?
Pull out the common threads and prioritise them in your shared vision. Then, tackle the areas where you want different things, focusing on communicating and finding ways to win together.
A helpful resource is the book Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman, who have spent over 30 years studying relationships and communication. In a chapter dedicated to money and love, they provide a great range of tools and prompts to understand your partner’s money story and values.
Let me know in the comments below what strategies or resources have helped you have better money conversations 👇🏽
Cheers to our financial futures,
Kate Campbell
Thanks for reading
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